Just another random thought…

Is it just me, or are kids/teens today generally sooooo vain? It’s crazyyyyy!

Go be normal kids. Interact in person. Quit taking such vain photos of yourself. First of all, it’s naturally annoying. Keep it to yourself if you MUST take such vain photos. And second, perhaps you don’t really realize the REAL DANGERS of what you do actually presents. No, you probably don’t because you’re too naive to understand. Which consequently only means you’re far too young to be THIS VAIN. Good lord. Go be normal kids. Go read a book or something.

Okay. Got THAT out of my system.

Raaandooom

I’ve been off Facebook and twitter for holy week. There’s only about an hour and a half left before I can go back to it, but it feels like these last few hours are harder to resist than the past 5 days.

From Thy bounty…

I just have to take a quick moment to be thankful to Him for His constant, faithful and bountiful provision. I’m at my desk, doing some accounting; I sit in awe at how He has more than just allowed me to settle everything I need to and have needed to. I have more to settle and pay for, in this month, and slightly anxious, to be honest, but more excited to see how He will come through for me again this month. ;)

of old journal entries.

i’m on a twitter and facebook hiatus…well, sort of. i’m keeping away for holy week. no, it doesn’t include tumblr as it doesn’t really require much of my time or attention. i use it mainly to vent and write and what not.

i decided to log on to multiply, just to look at old photos, read my old journal entries there. i just realized how much i put up with before. 3 years wasted on trying to make something work with someone who, now, clearly didn’t treat me as well as i deserved. i sit here, shaking my head, thinking “what the hell was i thinking staying that long? why didn’t i just walk away after chance number 4,732?” 

i’m over you, that’s for sure. and i think i was sure of that within the first week of the breakup, fortunately for me. thing is, part of me seriously wants to give you a good beating for all the shit you pulled. goodness. i realize i never really told anyone the whole story, everything you did and didn’t do. and i guess i kept that to myself to protect you, because i thought i was protecting us, and consequently, myself too. but if i had been open and asked for advice, i don’t think we would have lasted that long. i think i would have ended it that first moment when you tried to walk away after a mere three months into our new relationship. that should have been an indication enough. *face to palm* oh well. the mistakes we make only make us stronger and wiser.

thank heavens that there are only far better things ahead of us than those we leave behind, as C.S. Lewis once said. here’s to all the best things yet to come. and as for you? well, i couldn’t really care less anymore. you get what you give.

yes, i’m irritated.

did it ever occur to you that maybe i’m not being selfish and unaccommodating, and that YOU’RE actually being selfish and inconsiderate? 

did it occur to you that i might not be annoyed by the fact that i’m doing you favors left and right, but that i’m actually annoyed that you have a tendency to be such a baby and a brat? did it occur to you that i might be tired of condoning and enabling that? did it occur to you to take a step back that maybe my attitude isn’t the problem, but yours is? did it occur to you to even think that i can’t even push myself to ask YOU for things most of the time because i fear i’ll set you off? people have limits.

you get annoyed at me for being irritated that i had to do something for you. make a phone call and postpone your dermatologist appointment. and you say “it’s just a phone call.” my point exactly, it’s just a phone call. why do i have to do it? the phone’s already right next to you. and it’s not just about a stupid phone call. it’s about everything else you ask for because you feel like it’s only right that everything is done for you. it’s not just about me getting tired of things you make me do, it’s about me having to alter my life because of you. for you. you hold me back from everything. and now that i’m finally taking a stand and trying to live my own life just as any human being has a right to do, you take it against me. 

yes, i’m irritated. what, now i’m not allowed to feel irritated? yes, i’m annoyed. what, now you still wanna control our emotions? your problem isn’t that i’m annoyed and irritated, your problem is that i’m the only one who’s transparent enough that i can’t hide whenever i’m irritated. because i guarantee you, everyone else in this household feels the same way i do. 

yes, i’m irritated. i’m allowed to get annoyed, irritated, mad, whatever. stop trying to control everything, stop trying to manipulate everyone. yes, i’m irritated. people have limits. no it’s not about just a damn phone call. 

Today, the scent of your car.

Found myself in an abrupt halt in a mall today. All because it suddenly smelled like your car. And in that instant, memories of us, of you, flashed in front of me. It wasn’t the type of thing where you catch a whiff of a perfume that disappears after a few seconds; it was that the entire place actually smelled like your car. It seemed like I couldn’t walk fast enough to get out of there.

It hurts less, but I do still get a little sad. Not for long periods of time, just quick moments. Like an ant bite perhaps, it stings a bit and wears off. And not in a sappy way, not in a way that yearns for you, not the kind that makes you bitter. Just the kind of sad that takes time.

we love, we learn. we lose, we learn. we live, we learn.

We tend to learn much more through pain than we do through pleasure. We learn when we get HURT. We learn when FAILURE happens. We learn when THINGS DON’T WORK OUT the way we wanted them to. We learn through BETRAYAL. 

We learn how POWERFUL we are. We learn not to ignore our intuition. We learn to LOVE OURSELVES and demand more than just crumbs of love. We learn that there are literally plenty of fish in the sea, and that when we lose a Love, we come closer to FINDING OURSELVES and our Creator. We learn that nothing lasts forever, not even the pain of breaking up with a soulmate. We learn that we can be grateful to our ex’s for teaching us more about ourselves by leaving us this pain…not as punishment, but as PURIFICATION and CLARIFICATION.

- Mastin Kipp

I want something that I want. I want so much.

Excuse the upcoming disorganized thoughts. I haven’t blogged in a while, and right now a gazillion things are running through my mind.

I’m dying to go to Ireland. Dying to go to Greece too. Wanderlust. I want to go so bad I literally feel like crying. (don’t judge haha)

I wanna move to Sydney. For real. Get away, start fresh, gain financial stability, be independent. Maybe find love, pure happenstance. (instead of being randomly introduced to friends of friends and what not).

I’m aching to improve in ballet. I want to prove myself wrong since I am my worst critic. I wanna surprise myself and do that which I thought I could not do.

I wanna find love. Be found by the right man who will wash away my trust issues. The one who’ll love me truly, deeply, wholly.

I want to stop being forced to do things THEY think are right, but aren’t necessarily right FOR ME.

I want to go back to singing again, too.

Ultimately, I want to be excellent in l that I do, maximize all my God-given talents. Because I deserve it. Because HE deserves it.

I want to be better. Greater. Because I WAS, in fact, fearfully and wonderfully made, and made to be greater. I want to get rid of, and shake off the fears.

Whew. Okay. It’s out of my system. I’ve declared it. Now let’s get started on that bucket list.

Up and down

I feel restless. It’s been a great day, but I just feel a bit restless. One moment today triggered it. Sigh. I guess it’s just one of those things, inevitable things.

On a lighter note, I got new shoes which J helped me pick out today. Oh, and we wrote a song yesterday too. Haha random random.

one simple question.

When was the last thing you did something for yourself? Just for yourself. 

Another flashback morning.

Again. Another one. Can’t wait to shake this all off. I’d write more, but that’s about all the brain activity my mind can handle this early, with this little sleep.

On a good note, it’s a holiday! And I’m gonna get me some retail therapy.

To better days.

untidy ballerina.

well, maybe not exactly untidy, but i was a little out of it today. 

first off, i was late for class. not to point fingers, but it really wasn’t my fault or anything. i had accompanied mom to the hospital today, and the doctor ran a little late. so started the ripple of slightly altered schedules. in my case, i was getting antsier by the minute, knowing i was gonna be late for class. and ballet isn’t exactly a class you can be late for. 

my hair was in a messy bun, i forgot to take off my jewelry prior to class and only noticed one of my rings, arms in fourth position. my ground plie’s were a mess because of my cracking bones. haha and i was off balance as we did more floor work. :| well it wasn’t all that bad. 

tomorrow’s another day. tomorrow, i do the work to catch up and to condition myself. heaven help me. i can do this.

Enough already.

These damn flashbacks. :( what I wouldn’t give just to wash it all away. All of it. Now.

I thought I was okay.

I am okay. There are just these little wounds, remnants of what happened, what was, and what could have been, and the sting from how it all turned sour.

I’ll be okay. Not today, but I’ll be better in no time.